there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
