I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
