I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
well you can't waste a boner
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
