Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
