Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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