Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize