he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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