I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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