You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
