Cold hands, warm shart.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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