how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
