I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
In America we eat man semen.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
