Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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