The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
