I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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