peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
