I could make wine with my vomit
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
