im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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