Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
