I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
