you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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