I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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