Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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