I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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