fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
