If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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