You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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