K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Your face is a jimmy john
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
