I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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