you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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