woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
