I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
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