im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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