when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
