I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
