Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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