I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
