My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
