Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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