This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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