On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
