Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
