did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize