My first STD was from a foam party
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
