Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
