Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
