I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
