Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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