I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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