Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
