I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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