3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
