I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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