two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
