So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
