Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
