I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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