Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
