The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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