I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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