Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
