my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
