my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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