Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
BRING THE BAGELS
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
