Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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