just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
